positive affirmations – Life is Lovely

Habitually Happy

I had the opportunity today to reflect on being habitually happy. It’s a way for me to be strong and resilient in the midst of difficult times. I try my best to appreciate my ability to continue on with a positive demeanor.

However, I’m not always happy and I often reflect conflicting feelings about how well equipped I am to turn on my happiness. I mentioned an opportunity for action, in my 3.25.18 post, that I needed to work on my self-esteem due to an unsettling feeling that came when a few people asked me why I wasn’t so sad. As I was reflecting on this, there were a few times where I had to consciously stop my thoughts and affirm that its okay to feel this deep sadness and loneliness, yet still be able to echo my laughter across the room. My happiness is not related to my loss. I only feel a loss because I had a deep and meaningful connection with my dad. He encouraged me to be happy when I was too sad to even feel my sadness.

I really struggle with being openly vulnerable because of the emotional damage I’ve endured from sharing my sadness with people who didn’t know how to respond to my story in a healthy way. Presenting myself as happy, is a way I learned to protect my story from further emotional damage. At a very young age, I began to build a beautiful wall around me with flowers and vines decorating the exterior so that other’s didn’t question the darkness that lay inside. I’ve spent over half my life admiring the sunshine that shone over the wall, every once in a while breaking down bricks just to later pick them back up again. I often wish I had more courage to be open and turn my wall into a stone path that would help pave the way for others to follow. This isn’t a far-fetched dream but I want to get back to the topic of being habitually happy.

Sometimes, when I carry a lot of sadness, I feel like I’m not being genuine when I present myself in public settings as perky and upbeat. When I do this, it can quickly become very exhausting. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally drained by the end of the day. I have to remind myself that this is me, surviving. There is something about being around a certain number of people that puts me in a mode where happiness is my means for survival. I’ve heard some call this, “fake it till you make it.” However, being who I am, I prefer to add a more positive tone and call it being, “habitually happy.”

I’m not being fake by tucking away my sadness into my nicely decorated well, while continuing to share the loving, laughing side of me. These are feelings that help me express myself. I am not my feelings, rather the one who feels them. If I take a moment to consciously think about my feelings, I am actively moving the thought from the emotional part of my brain into the logical part of my brain. Therefore, able to recognize that I am much bigger than my situation, my feelings, and my thoughts. They are a part of me, but do not define who I am.

I feel this sadness, however, I am not my sadness. I will not allow my sadness to write the roadmap of my life. I am resilient and I am allowed to decide when and with whom I feel safe sharing my sadness. I will not create timeframe for healing because I should spend my life constantly seeking healing and growth. I recognize that I am not perfect, “yet.” Sadness and uneasy feelings are my body’s natural reaction to encourage growth and development and I will listen and seek my own healing.

I am resilient
I am loved
I am loving
I am created in the image of love

Reflections

3.26.18

Today has been a rough day for me and I just erased 90 words from this post so that I can focus on more positive things. Needless to say, I afforded the time to have a couple good cries. I’ve had a lot of negative self talk today but what I really wanted to capture was the things my dad used to say to me when he knew I was going through hard times.

Me: I’m not perfect..
Dad: You’re not perfect.. yet. God created us to be perfect and in due time you’ll be refined. So yes, you’re not perfect, yet.

This conversation has presented itself in my memory bank many times. Dad always had the best advice. The majority of my strength to fight through my depression came from him. Looking back, I can’t help but admire my dad’s faith. He wasn’t preachy and always had a way of explaining our religion in a way that was anything but contemptuous towards others beliefs. I can’t help but feel appreciative of the example he set.

The majority of my time reflecting on this lesson was spent admiring my dad’s faith. I want to take a moment to remind myself to reflect on how this can positively impact my self esteem. <<That was a difficult sentence to write. I find it challenging to take this personally. I can still hear the way my dad said this to me. He said, “you’re not perfect,” with a smirk and then very gently, almost under his breath, “..yet“. It’s always been easy to recognize that my dad agreed with my imperfection however, I’m still trying to come to terms with the more important part of this lesson where I learn to be gentle with myself. I am a work in progress, working towards living in the, “yet”.

Dad: Sometimes you just gotta quit arguing and let it be. You can be the bigger person by letting it go and not being bothered that you can’t change their mind. Some people will never change.

The first time I can remember my dad saying this to me was when I was 13. I remember being so upset with the fact that someone could treat me so awful and all my dad would have to tell me was to be a bigger person and let it go. I spent a good chunk of the rest of my teens being sour over being bigger when really all I wanted was to be treated with respect and love. It took me years to finally realize the importance of not letting my inner peace be bothered by things outside my control and above all, I could treat myself with love and respect by letting go. I often find myself going back to this lesson to quiet my restlessness in disagreeable situations.

Notable actions:

I allowed myself to cry today and also allowed the space to reflect in a more positive way to ease my anxiety.
I’m actually writing. I think my dad would be proud. He always encouraged me to use writing a healthy outlet. I can remember so clearly the moment when he came into our apartment in Fairbanks with a composition notebook. I was sitting at the table and he sat down with me and handed me the notebook. He said, “I’ve been finding your poetry around the house on random scraps of papers and napkins. You’re pretty good, you should keep them together so you can look back and read them later.”

Opportunities for Action:

My diet can use a make-over. I’ve been considering a drastic reduction in bread and artificial sugars. With the Feast of Unleavened Bread approaching, it seems like a legitimate time to start.

Reflections

3.30.17

I am constantly trying to look for opportunities for improvement or better ways to maximize my time. While I’m at work I do a lot of monotonous tasks but, listening to my audiobooks makes them a whole lot more tolerable. Its a great opportunity to enrich my thoughts and reflect on what I’ve listened to. Last week I began listening to my audiobook The E Myth Revisited. Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It. Which I bought semi impulsively because I know that this world has so much more to offer. Unlimited possibilities yet only limited by the walls that I build myself by not believing in my own potential. That stops now. I know that with the right mindset and determination anything is possible.

On a side note, just to be real with myself. Writing about hopes and dreams gives me some serious anxiety because part of me constantly is playing the devils advocate. This is good and bad. It’s good because it is a type of security; I would hate to get myself into a difficult situation unequipped. But it’s also bad because at times it can be much more like my own personal guard of limitations. I’m desperately trying to break this barrier, and start to move my life into action.

I just want to take a moment and tell myself some positive affirmations.

I am better than I am right now because I am still learning who I am.

There are many paths to get to where I am going and when I pause to think about the trail I tread, I will not stop, I will continue ahead.

Today I started to read Dale Carnegie’s combined book, How to Win Friends and Influence People and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I was fortunate enough to have time to read during the day because the Neurologist I had an appointment with took some extra time with the patient before me. That aside, I’m trying to look on the bright side and remind myself that at least nothing serious is wrong with me and I got to read some good stuff!

Within the first few pages of the book, the author provides nine suggestions to get the most out of the book. This is exactly what I want to read first. When I read self-improvement books, one of the first things I want to do is skim back through the book and make a list of the tools provided and how to better apply them in my everyday life.

If I want growth in my life, I must have a strong desire for improvement, accountability and action.

Both of these books have talked about a self reflection and I’m going to continue doing these every couple days. This is my life. This is my action. I’m really excited for what my future holds.

Notable Actions:

Today I took a few moment to self reflect and ground my thoughts. When I was feeling frustrated I immediately began deep breathing exercises and positive affirmations.
I’m actually reading!!!! I’m so happy that I’ve been blessed with curiosity and that now I am developing the habit of action to satisfy my curiosity.

Opportunities for Action:(I swear I could find a million of these)

I could be drinking more water. I forgot my water bottle at home and drank a lot of tea at work. Tonight I’ll place my water bottle in my purse so that I can’t forget it. Although I usually take it out to reorganize my purse before I leave, which is what caused me to forget it at home. I think tomorrow during breakfast I’ll remind my daughter, Aaliyah, the importance of being hydrated and propose we both help keep each other accountable for drinking water. This works awesomely! Nothing like asking a six year old to remind you to be healthy. I say this in a very non-sarcastic way. We are literally hardwired for relationship and accountability. I’ll try and touch more on this when I respond to the book, Hold Me Tight. This book prompted hours of research and reading neuroscience articles to verify that our body and mind is literally wired for love. (Hey speaking of, I need to add a book called, Wired For Love, to my book list.)
Today is Wednesday, which I’ve termed, “Washy Wednesday,” in hopes that I would begin doing laundry on a scheduled time… I did one load and it’s still in the dryer. Can my improvement be, burn my clothes and never do laundry again? Or buy clothes made from asbestos so that I can just burn the whole thing like Romans used to do with their napkins? (I love this idea, if only it weren’t such a safety hazard.) They prized asbestos for it’s flame retardation and used it to make napkins. When their napkins were dirty, they threw them into a fire to clean off the impurities. This fun little fact stayed with me because I have always secretly wanted to just burn my clothes instead of washing them. I missed Washy Wednesday again and I guess it’s not a secret anymore that I fantasize about safely burning my clothes. Sometimes I’d rather go to a laundry mat and read.

I’ll get back to this, “opportunity for improvement” another time. I’m proud of the progress I’m making in other areas and excited to work on the wellbeing of my body and mind.