Category: Reflections

TGIM! Today is a big day for me. I had made up my mind to move out of Alaska a few weeks ago and today I’ll be shipping my car and the majority of my belongings that were important enough to make the move. It was interesting to sort through my things and come to realization how unimportant so much stuff was. I made a list last night to keep myself on track today and to reflect on how important this day really is. My list began with a 3:00AM wake up and included some important things like sending a good morning text, breathing with intention, drinking water, capturing some gratitude, visualizing the future I want and packing and all the logistical pieces that come with readying my car for shipping.

I’m reflecting on this blog because I’m a bit taken back with my two year break from this. The more time passes the more I’m understanding how important and valuable it is… and how quickly it will pass if I’m not intentional about it. I’m tired of sleeping though life and letting it pass by with a begrudging attitude, then wondering what the hell I’ve been doing. So, here I am reflecting with intention.

Part of my 23 item checklist was to list 10 things I appreciate about myself, and 10 things I appreciate about those around me. This is mostly for my future self to read when I’m having a shitty attitude and I need to talk some sense into myself… and to hold my self accountable for the things that are really important to me.

Ten things I appreciate about myself:

1. The love and compassion I have for people. Let’s be real, it’s a challenge to stay soft in such a hard world. The benefit of doing this out weighs the risk ten fold. I might get hurt or taken advantage of now and again but I appreciate the way that I intentionally remind myself to live life in love.
2. My journey of self discovery. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my story. Although there were so many times of confusion and changing in ways that wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self, I’m here and I love myself.
3. The grace that I have for myself. This morning, I had about a second of disappointment for the fact that I added time slots to my 23 point schedule and I’m now, at 6:00AM, way behind schedule. The grace that I have for myself reminds me of the priorities, the end goal and that it’s okay to be flexible and forgive myself for not adhering to my late night micromanaging self schedule.
4. My voice.. (wow that was challenging to say out loud) I’m actually struggling to add more context to this one but I think it’s obvious with this post that I’m proud of my own voice and recognize the importance of it yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. My humor and ability to make myself laugh. Laughter is medicine and I appreciate that the role I play in healing myself.
6. The intentionality I’ve taken in gratitude and appreciation. This has been such a game changer in helping rescript my thought process and looking for the good in life.
7. My stamina and will to keep on keeping on. (and my grace for when I want to lay in bed all day)
8. My body for holding together all these years and helping me to be in tune with my self and my environment.
9. My physical ability to see. I have 20/20 vision and I think I under appreciate the ability to just be able to wake up and see. Oh.. I was kind of being funny about this item but after I wrote it and read it out loud (and laughed a bit) I realized that this is an affirmation about my life vision. I’ve spent so many years downplaying what I want in life and changing my path and direction for the sake of someone else with a facade of uncertainty. But now that I’ve moved closer to my authentic self, I’m realizing that I’ve known what I wanted for my life all along.
10. My current awakening to self. I’ve been meditating a lot on my authentic self and I am so proud of myself for refinement, realization and recognizing that I’ve always been me.

Ten things I appreciate about those around me:

1. First of all, shout out to my daughter for teaching me lessons I would of never been open to receiving if I wasn’t a parent. Aaliyah has brought so much joy and opportunity to grow and learn in the last decade. I can’t help but pause and appreciate her presence. I appreciate a lot about my kid, so expect a few of these to be about her.
2. I appreciate Aaliyah’s voice. I’m so proud of her for being bold and having the courage to talk to me and let me know if I’ve done something that doesn’t sit right with her. She’s checked me more times than I can count and I am at first, taken back, but mostly proud that she can stand up for herself and her feelings too.
3. I appreciate Aaliyah’s resilience and ability to bounce back from so many things. Babygirl recently had to get stitches on her face from falling off of a penny board  and the day after she got stitches she was sharing with me the difference between a penny board and long board and how excited she was to hop into her long board.
4. I appreciate my mom for always being there to help me. She’s actually snoozing in the other room, waiting to wake up and make sure she available to help me with this big day.
5. I appreciate my brother, Joshua, for unquestionably being there for me. I’m so proud of the man and father he’s become and I just love being close to him and his family.
6. I appreciate my sister, Dora, for her laughter and lust for life and family. Also for birthing a bunch of babies that look just like me (haha!) I was feeling so out of place this year and I spent one day home with the fam and immediately knew I was missing my tribe. I think Dora farted and walked away, then Bubs burped in my face and smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh and feel at home.
7. I appreciate my sister, Jacqueline, for her courage throughout this pandemic. She is such an amazing mom. I’m so proud of her and the way that her kiddos follow her example.
8. I appreciate my brother, Jeremiah, for his intellectual curiosity in things that are interesting. I’ve learned a lot about myself from tools suggested by my bro. Actually, I’m proud of both of my brothers for the roles they play in their children’s lives. It’s a reminder to myself not to settle for anyone who would do anything less for my own children.
9. I appreciate my cousin/sister, Emily, for always listening to me and being there for me when I needed a good friend and a good laugh. Emily has always heard my stories and supported my decisions and everyone deserves a friend like that.
10. I appreciate David, for being such a huge factor in my awakening to my authentic self. He’s been there for me for so many years, sending me tools, checking up on me and making sure that I’m ok. Over the years, he’s inspired my booklist, my lust for self-help, self discovery and eating healthy.

This list is not inclusive of all the people I love and appreciate, just my Monday reflection.

Today I feel mentally exhausted. This week was my first week back in my training room. I didn’t think anything of it at first but as the days passed, I increasingly began to feel lonely and disconnected. Yet, there I was, smiling, dancing and laughing with new people who had no idea what was going on in the background. I felt bothered by my ability to act like everything is normal. Wait, is this my normal..? I’ve spent more than half my life like this, acting like life is sunshine and rainbows in public and quietly crying to myself when no one is around.

I feel my anxiety and sadness manifesting throughout my body. I first feel it in my lips, they tingle like a mild allergic reaction and then it builds up behind my eyes and in my throat. It must start in my lips as a sign of my silence. As if my body is begging me to say something. I have no idea what to say, I’m exhausted from talking. By the time I get home, my mind wants to shut off and I can barely keep my eyes open. I just want to sit in silence, it reminds me of my dad.

I wrote this poem January 23, 2018 and I am feeling exactly this.

mindlessly moving through the motions
momentarily mention the madness
moving through the movement
finding feelings to soothe it
numb: unable to think
I call that anxiety
anxiously awaiting
anticipating angst
avoiding anything
Numb: unable to respond
surely sadness surpassed the sunrise
sets in to something surreal
feeling feelings I’d rather not feel
dealing with dodging the heal
healing haunts me
emotions taunt me
loneliness leaves love
lingering lowly leaving less
left for lonely..
if only…

It’s such a strange feeling to feel so lonely and want to be alone. I feel like my sadness is uncomfortable for others but when I think it through, its really just uncomfortable to me. I can recall a time in my life where I was so hardened by events I’m not yet ready to post about publicly and that the only emotion I could feel was anger. I remember feeling upset with people who cried around me because I wasn’t able to cry.

Years later, I recall the very moment I realized I had more emotions than anger. It was a moment of joy and sadness as tears flowed down. I was ecstatic to finally feel more. It was a major paradigm shift in my life, I felt like I could see the world through a much clearer lens. Although, I was proud of my tears, I still have yet to be okay sharing my my deep emotions and intimate stories of the abuse that led to habitual disconnectedness to the world.

I subscribe to Simon Sinek’s daily inspirations via email and on Tuesday it said something that really hit home for me because I’ve been overly reflecting on my need to share my feelings and be connected with others. It said, “The value of emotions comes from sharing them, not just having them.”

It’s as if I can see these words from Simon being typed across my line of vision over and over as an inner dialogue occurs in which I spit playful banter at myself. Sarcastic Jess, in a sarcastic voice says, “sharing is caring!” While reasoning Jess responds, “I share a lot of things, my laughter, my happiness, my knowledge, my smiles.. the list goes on and on!”

Which leaves me right where I am, sitting in silence, sulking in my sadness. Maybe someday I’ll have the courage to be vulnerable enough to share the pain and sadness which inspired me to be outwardly positive and chipper. And although sometimes I feel exhausted from smiling when I’m sad, I want to affirm a few things:

My happy self is not a cover-up. It’s okay to feel the extreme spectrums of happiness and sadness in a small time frame.

Notable Actions: I made it through the day. I’m making progress, slow small steps are still steps forward. Even if I stand still, I’m still looking forward.

It’s been almost exactly one year since I wrote my first reflection. I wrote it on March 29, 2017 and today is March 25, 2018. I find it a bit strange, there must be something about this time of year that encourages me to be more outwardly reflective. Maybe it’s my way of spring cleaning out my thoughts? I would like to be more intentional about doing this more consistently as opposed to a once a year event.

Here’s an excerpt from two poems I wrote about how time passes:

August 2016-
Its funny how the day just flies right by and time never stops to whisper, “hi”
Tick-tock, tick-tock,
Do you remember your plans you once forgot?

February 2018 – 
Sometimes the future seems far away
but day by day, it slips away
Creeps right past like a cold winter spent longing for a warmer season
…waiting for no good reason

I find myself reflecting a lot on how quickly time passes. Earlier this month my dad, who had just turned 61 last month, passed away from a heart attack in his sleep. This event has led me to feel fearful for how I’ve been spending my time and how well I’m treating my body with the food I eat, the thoughts I think, and the community I live in. I always imagined that I would live at least until my 90s. Irresponsibly thinking that I still have two-thirds of my life to live. I’m ever more realizing that life has no time limits.

I want to take a moment for some positive self affirmations:

I feel a deep sadness because of the deep love I have for my dad.

I will carry the memories of my dad with love and joy.

Dad was a very faithful man and is resting now. I will stand on my own faith for comfort and strength.

The fear I am feeling will motivate me to live more intentionally.

I am loved and not alone. 

Notable Actions: I’m finding it difficult to give myself kudos when my dad just passed.. I’ll just skip this section of my reflections and come back it to at a later time.

Opportunities for Action:

1. I’m realizing that I can use some work on my self esteem. A few people have expressed discomfort in my lack of public tears and my ability to, “just pick up and move on.” I tend to be a private griever and I shouldn’t let other people’s discomfort with this affect my self esteem. Even before my dad passed I’ve been able to take a break a work, cry in the bathroom and then go on with my day with my sadness unnoticed. I usually care less about other peoples opinions of me but this is sitting a bit weird with me. I just want to acknowledge and affirm to myself that it’s okay to grieve in my own way.. but my self esteem could use some improvement.
2. laundry.. (just going to leave it at that..)

After reading my last reflection out loud, I realized I may have left out some important details about things I mentioned. I wanted to start all of my reflections with a response to my own writing. My writing is my voice and I value my own voice and the voice of others around me.

The things that I value
deserve a response
emotionally
spiritually
physically
intentionally
Its my relationship
to the eventually

Due to habit, I crave order therefore, likely to write my reflections in similar format each time. The format will allow me to keep track of my stories and when it’s important to build on the stories within them.

I’m going to take a moment to retell myself some Positive Affirmations

I have been listening so many of my audiobooks and primarily continuing to read How to Win Friends and Influence People. I want to take a moment to respond to the

Talk a bit more about criticism and the effect on my life and how Aaliyah deals with it. “the way your parents talk to you as a child becomes your inner voice as an adult” *need to review book for reference.

“If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity”