I had the opportunity today to reflect on being habitually happy. It’s a way for me to be strong and resilient in the midst of difficult times. I try my best to appreciate my ability to continue on with a positive demeanor.
However, I’m not always happy and I often reflect conflicting feelings about how well equipped I am to turn on my happiness. I mentioned an opportunity for action, in my 3.25.18 post, that I needed to work on my self-esteem due to an unsettling feeling that came when a few people asked me why I wasn’t so sad. As I was reflecting on this, there were a few times where I had to consciously stop my thoughts and affirm that its okay to feel this deep sadness and loneliness, yet still be able to echo my laughter across the room. My happiness is not related to my loss. I only feel a loss because I had a deep and meaningful connection with my dad. He encouraged me to be happy when I was too sad to even feel my sadness.
I really struggle with being openly vulnerable because of the emotional damage I’ve endured from sharing my sadness with people who didn’t know how to respond to my story in a healthy way. Presenting myself as happy, is a way I learned to protect my story from further emotional damage. At a very young age, I began to build a beautiful wall around me with flowers and vines decorating the exterior so that other’s didn’t question the darkness that lay inside. I’ve spent over half my life admiring the sunshine that shone over the wall, every once in a while breaking down bricks just to later pick them back up again. I often wish I had more courage to be open and turn my wall into a stone path that would help pave the way for others to follow. This isn’t a far-fetched dream but I want to get back to the topic of being habitually happy.
Sometimes, when I carry a lot of sadness, I feel like I’m not being genuine when I present myself in public settings as perky and upbeat. When I do this, it can quickly become very exhausting. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally drained by the end of the day. I have to remind myself that this is me, surviving. There is something about being around a certain number of people that puts me in a mode where happiness is my means for survival. I’ve heard some call this, “fake it till you make it.” However, being who I am, I prefer to add a more positive tone and call it being, “habitually happy.”
I’m not being fake by tucking away my sadness into my nicely decorated well, while continuing to share the loving, laughing side of me. These are feelings that help me express myself. I am not my feelings, rather the one who feels them. If I take a moment to consciously think about my feelings, I am actively moving the thought from the emotional part of my brain into the logical part of my brain. Therefore, able to recognize that I am much bigger than my situation, my feelings, and my thoughts. They are a part of me, but do not define who I am.
I feel this sadness, however, I am not my sadness. I will not allow my sadness to write the roadmap of my life. I am resilient and I am allowed to decide when and with whom I feel safe sharing my sadness. I will not create timeframe for healing because I should spend my life constantly seeking healing and growth. I recognize that I am not perfect, “yet.” Sadness and uneasy feelings are my body’s natural reaction to encourage growth and development and I will listen and seek my own healing.
I am resilient
I am loved
I am loving
I am created in the image of love
Life is Lovely 