Today I feel mentally exhausted. This week was my first week back in my training room. I didn’t think anything of it at first but as the days passed, I increasingly began to feel lonely and disconnected. Yet, there I was, smiling, dancing and laughing with new people who had no idea what was going on in the background. I felt bothered by my ability to act like everything is normal. Wait, is this my normal..? I’ve spent more than half my life like this, acting like life is sunshine and rainbows in public and quietly crying to myself when no one is around.
I feel my anxiety and sadness manifesting throughout my body. I first feel it in my lips, they tingle like a mild allergic reaction and then it builds up behind my eyes and in my throat. It must start in my lips as a sign of my silence. As if my body is begging me to say something. I have no idea what to say, I’m exhausted from talking. By the time I get home, my mind wants to shut off and I can barely keep my eyes open. I just want to sit in silence, it reminds me of my dad.
I wrote this poem January 23, 2018 and I am feeling exactly this.
mindlessly moving through the motions
momentarily mention the madness
moving through the movement
finding feelings to soothe it
numb: unable to think
I call that anxiety
anxiously awaiting
anticipating angst
avoiding anything
Numb: unable to respond
surely sadness surpassed the sunrise
sets in to something surreal
feeling feelings I’d rather not feel
dealing with dodging the heal
healing haunts me
emotions taunt me
loneliness leaves love
lingering lowly leaving less
left for lonely..
if only…
It’s such a strange feeling to feel so lonely and want to be alone. I feel like my sadness is uncomfortable for others but when I think it through, its really just uncomfortable to me. I can recall a time in my life where I was so hardened by events I’m not yet ready to post about publicly and that the only emotion I could feel was anger. I remember feeling upset with people who cried around me because I wasn’t able to cry.
Years later, I recall the very moment I realized I had more emotions than anger. It was a moment of joy and sadness as tears flowed down. I was ecstatic to finally feel more. It was a major paradigm shift in my life, I felt like I could see the world through a much clearer lens. Although, I was proud of my tears, I still have yet to be okay sharing my my deep emotions and intimate stories of the abuse that led to habitual disconnectedness to the world.
I subscribe to Simon Sinek’s daily inspirations via email and on Tuesday it said something that really hit home for me because I’ve been overly reflecting on my need to share my feelings and be connected with others. It said, “The value of emotions comes from sharing them, not just having them.”
It’s as if I can see these words from Simon being typed across my line of vision over and over as an inner dialogue occurs in which I spit playful banter at myself. Sarcastic Jess, in a sarcastic voice says, “sharing is caring!” While reasoning Jess responds, “I share a lot of things, my laughter, my happiness, my knowledge, my smiles.. the list goes on and on!”
Which leaves me right where I am, sitting in silence, sulking in my sadness. Maybe someday I’ll have the courage to be vulnerable enough to share the pain and sadness which inspired me to be outwardly positive and chipper. And although sometimes I feel exhausted from smiling when I’m sad, I want to affirm a few things:
My happy self is not a cover-up. It’s okay to feel the extreme spectrums of happiness and sadness in a small time frame.
Notable Actions: I made it through the day. I’m making progress, slow small steps are still steps forward. Even if I stand still, I’m still looking forward.
Life is Lovely 