Today has been a rough day for me and I just erased 90 words from this post so that I can focus on more positive things. Needless to say, I afforded the time to have a couple good cries. I’ve had a lot of negative self talk today but what I really wanted to capture was the things my dad used to say to me when he knew I was going through hard times.
Me: I’m not perfect..
Dad: You’re not perfect.. yet. God created us to be perfect and in due time you’ll be refined. So yes, you’re not perfect, yet.
This conversation has presented itself in my memory bank many times. Dad always had the best advice. The majority of my strength to fight through my depression came from him. Looking back, I can’t help but admire my dad’s faith. He wasn’t preachy and always had a way of explaining our religion in a way that was anything but contemptuous towards others beliefs. I can’t help but feel appreciative of the example he set.
The majority of my time reflecting on this lesson was spent admiring my dad’s faith. I want to take a moment to remind myself to reflect on how this can positively impact my self esteem. <<That was a difficult sentence to write. I find it challenging to take this personally. I can still hear the way my dad said this to me. He said, “you’re not perfect,” with a smirk and then very gently, almost under his breath, “..yet“. It’s always been easy to recognize that my dad agreed with my imperfection however, I’m still trying to come to terms with the more important part of this lesson where I learn to be gentle with myself. I am a work in progress, working towards living in the, “yet”.
Dad: Sometimes you just gotta quit arguing and let it be. You can be the bigger person by letting it go and not being bothered that you can’t change their mind. Some people will never change.
The first time I can remember my dad saying this to me was when I was 13. I remember being so upset with the fact that someone could treat me so awful and all my dad would have to tell me was to be a bigger person and let it go. I spent a good chunk of the rest of my teens being sour over being bigger when really all I wanted was to be treated with respect and love. It took me years to finally realize the importance of not letting my inner peace be bothered by things outside my control and above all, I could treat myself with love and respect by letting go. I often find myself going back to this lesson to quiet my restlessness in disagreeable situations.
Notable actions:
- I allowed myself to cry today and also allowed the space to reflect in a more positive way to ease my anxiety.
- I’m actually writing. I think my dad would be proud. He always encouraged me to use writing a healthy outlet. I can remember so clearly the moment when he came into our apartment in Fairbanks with a composition notebook. I was sitting at the table and he sat down with me and handed me the notebook. He said, “I’ve been finding your poetry around the house on random scraps of papers and napkins. You’re pretty good, you should keep them together so you can look back and read them later.”
Opportunities for Action:
- My diet can use a make-over. I’ve been considering a drastic reduction in bread and artificial sugars. With the Feast of Unleavened Bread approaching, it seems like a legitimate time to start.
Life is Lovely 